They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
