Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
