We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
