dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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