When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
