someone threw a dead crab at me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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