You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
