If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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