Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
