Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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