I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
