gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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