The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
