She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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