I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
