I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
