Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The beer is more important than you right now.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
