She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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