wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
