I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
