im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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