I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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