Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
