I could have mohawked her pubes.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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