Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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