He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
