I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
