The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
