If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think i got beer on your cat.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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