Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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