okay pat passed out under dana's car
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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