Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
