dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
we're so committed to being not committed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
