I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
