My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
