I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
