the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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