i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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