Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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