sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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