she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
