everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
