theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
