I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
