It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
