I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
