I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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