Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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