this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
