she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
