So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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