I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
