this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
